I had an incident this week that sparked a feeling in me that I haven’t had a for a long time. You know when you go through your house and you notice something that’s been there for years, but perhaps you just stopped noticing it? Something like that.

 

Well. Yeshhh. I have done a LOT of personal development work, a lot of energy work and work on myself, but there are still some things every now and again that I thought were gone… that are not.

 

When a bear goes into hibernation, it is still alive. It doesn’t eat and it doesn’t (presumably) know what’s going on around him, but he’s alive. Everything, the entire world is shut out except for him and his resting.

 

I feel like this can happen sometimes with beliefs, experiences and feelings. When they go into hibernation, it doesn’t mean they’re gone.. they’re just hiding for a bit. But then, as with all things, there are circumstances, people, places and events that happen that can reawaken things you thought were long dead because they’ve been asleep for so long.

 

Much earlier on in my life, I was in a DV relationship that was like a slow boiling frog. I didn’t realise I was living in a perpetual abuse cycle until it was pointed out. Yep. So anyway. I got out after 4.5 years. My daughter was 1. We thrived. We moved in with my parents, I met my now husband and we lived happily ever after!!! (You know that’s not strictly true, right!?!). I built my career. We built our lives. We were thriving. We moved states. I felt somewhat free.

 

I remember in 2010 when I started this business I really wanted to be able to work with anyone, anywhere in the world. I had dreams of travelling, helping people with their personal branding, their marketing, being the best version of themselves that they could be. I wanted to help people to feel and be more confident.

 

I knew I had to be ‘out there’ but honestly, I remember worrying about wanting to advertise in a newspaper (and on Facebook)  and how I could make that work without being found. I was genuinely afraid. It was a huge deal for me and for a couple of years I let that fear win. I advertised where I thought I’d be safe. I’d exclude certain cities, towns and locales. I did this, because I didn’t want anything going out there that could possibly be seen because I didn’t want to create any reason for him to find me.

 

I didn’t answer private numbers as a rule. Every now and again I’d think that he was making his way into our home. I used to be on alert walking down the street for fear of seeing a familiar numberplate and face. It was not a nice way to live. Living in fear sucks.

 

Fast forward to 2013 and I was at a retreat – I remember like it was yesterday. Actually, there was nothing ‘retreat-like’ at this event. It was a business bootcamp! Lots of work. Lots of fun. But lots of work! One morning on the retreat before we started doing all of the things, I had a call from a private number that I answered. I’d been dialling a LOT of people the day before and I answered it thinking it was someone dialling straight back from their voicemail (which tends to show up as a private number). The male voice said “Oh, I have found you”. I hung up. I was shaken. I didn’t know what to do. It didn’t sound like him, but then, this was years down the track and who the heck knows who else would say something like that!!!!

 

The next day, the same thing happened and I had a melt down. I was so worried and confused. All the old feelings of trauma kicked back in and I was a wreck. Why, oh why, when I was having literally the BEST week of sales ever, in the company of people who were all crushing it, why did he have to call me THEN? Why did he have to call that day. And how the fork did he even get my number?!?!?

 

I opened up to my mentors about it. They could see that there was something very very wrong here and they needed to help me. We did a few things. It helped. I put it behind me. To this day, I still have no idea who it was on that phone, but it was an important call to receive, because again. It set me free.

 

On THAT day, I decided NO MORE. I am not going to allow that prick to control me, years later, and hinder my business growth.

 

I wrote a blog about it and shared it on the internet and on my blog: “The secrets I wanted nobody to know” about me. The worst thing for me, was worrying that he might come out of the woodwork sprouting shit and venom at me that was untrue – or unfounded. Or that he might share things that I had said or done that weren’t perhaps my finest moments or the best choices I could have made for myself. I put as much out there as I was willing to bare putting out. I  shared about his alcoholism, his drug addictions, the physical, mental and emotional abuse. I shared what had happened to me and how I eventually managed to get my daughter and I outta there. It took time. I took responsibility for my part in it all as well. Because I am not perfect.

 

I did this, because even in 2013, years on, there was still this feeling of control. And I had to let it all go.

 

I have done a LOT of work on myself and on the trauma over the years – the past 7 years especially. Because I will never allow anyone to have that level of control over me or my business.

 

Part of the reason for sharing that blog in 2013 and this blog today, is to let you know that you and alone hold the power. Nobody can make you feel anything without your permission J I wanted to make sure that if anyone was to ever come out of the woodwork and say “Hey! Did you know Nicola did xyz or said xyz or was in the xyz place doing the xyz thing” that I could turn around and say “Hhahhahahaa!! Yep. It’s been out there on the internet for a zillion years”. It helped me to feel like I could ‘control’ the narrative. Not that there’s anything ‘bad’ that anyone could really say about me, to be honest! But you get it.  

 

Years down the track, this week actually, all of those feelings came tumbling in again. This time, though, it was more about what I was worried about with daughter. You see, like anyone, she wants to know a bit more about her history. Where she ‘came from’ and what he’s like. This time, it’s not myself or my business that I’m worried about. It’ the impact on my daughter, which of course, I cannot control. It’s all up to her what she chooses to do and I will support her 1 billion percent whatever it is that she feels like she wants and needs. Because that’s her right. But fuck, I don’t like it.

 

What I have found curious, has been my physical and emotional response to this. Because I’ve done so much work on resolving this, I’ve been in therapy, I’ve done all the energetic and magical things, and to have these feelings come back in full force is unbelievable.

 

I thought they were gone…. I thought I had done ALL of the work (and then some) on resolving them.

 

But they were not. They were just sleeping. Hibernating like the bear within. And then when given a bit of a rattle, BAM! There they are!!!!

 

This, my friends, is why we need therapists. It’s why we need mentors and coaches and professionals to help us through all of these things.

 

Our blindspots are called blind spots for a reason: Because you cannot see them and you cannot see past them! Otherwise you’d know they were there and then they wouldn’t be a blindspot!!!!!!

 

We have to do the work on being vulnerable.

 

We have to do the work on sharing our hearts with the people who have earned the right to have it shared.

 

We have to learn how to let go of the things that can come in out of left field and side swipe us.

 

This is why it’s crucial you have people around you that you can turn to, that you can trust and that you can speak to if and when things come up.

 

You never know what’s asleep beneath the surface. Sometimes you need to call in the professionals to eradicate that shit!!!

 

The other big message I wanted to leave with you today is this: you deserve everything. You deserve the best. You deserve it all. You deserve to be treated with respect, dignity and like a Queen.

 

Love you x