I used to think there was something wrong with me. That I was bad, wrong, different, abnormal… that I was terribly flawed in some way. Now I know that I am human and I am not perfect (don’t tell my kids please)… but I mean, I used to feel like there was something fundamentally wrong….

I always felt like I was the third wheel in our friendship groups. I didn’t live near the others and it was harder for me to get to their houses as frequently as the others. I used to feel left out but also I was pragmatic about it. It just wasn’t the same connection that I had with them that they had with each other.

I was the person who catalogued my books like a library. I was happy playing by myself. I used to create the most amazing television shows, talent contests – the star? ME, naturally!!!

I used to imagine that I was Kylie Minogue (Um. The Kylie Collection album anyone? *I was dead when I got it!*). I used to imagine that I was on my fave television shows. I used to imagine myself on stage, performing, entertaining, dancing, telling jokes, having a BLAST.

Rewind even further back from that and I remember whenever Mum and Dad had visitors over, the cost of entry was a Nicola exclusive performance of some description!!!! I’d practice day after day. Do all that I could. Oh I loved it.

I loved the feeling of limitless creative expression.

Add to the mix my love of words. Of reading. Of writing. I’d write songs. I’d write short stories. I was always always busy creating, creating, creating.

One might assume at this point that I was an extrovert…. But you’d be wrong. I loved my own company. I also loved talking to others. The feedback from teachers at parent teacher night was that “Nicola needs to stop talking so much”! Ugh. Ok…..

For me I never ever thought that I was creative. Not a thousand years! I saw the people who were excelling at art as creative. The people who were nailing their auditions for drama productions as creative…

I always felt like I was somehow strung up, hanging in the middle of feeling not creative but not wicked smart.

I didn’t want to do ‘the normal’ thing and go to University. I didn’t want a gap year.

I was the girl who I would describe now as the person who could talk to anyone but didn’t really fit……

And in my heart of hearts, late at night while trying to fall asleep…

I would wonder what was wrong with me.

Why couldn’t I have friendships like the others?

Why couldn’t I want what the rest wanted?

Why didn’t I fit in like the others seemed to?

Why didn’t they like me?

Why didn’t they like me more?

Maybe they’re pretending to like me or tolerate me.

 

As an adult I often felt the same. I used to over analyse everything. I used to think that I had done something wrong. That it was my fault.

I was always the one chasing the friendships. Reaching out. Touching base. Trying, following up and you know what? I used to think that this is just how it was.

Maybe, just maybe … this is how friendships are…

So I’d try. I’d reach out. I’d call. I’d message. But if I didn’t do the reaching out….. crickets.

 

Is this what friendships are supposed to be like?

 

In business I used to think that I could help everyone. I even told myself I WOULD help anyone if I felt like they would get value from what it was I was teaching. TO the point where at times, I ignored my instincts and took on the clients anyway….

Because that’s what you’re ‘supposed’ to do, right?

That’s what business should be like.

You work with anyone who will pay you what you’re asking. And you’ll teach them, coach them, guide them and help them. No matter what. Because that’s what you do.

Be a good soldier.

 

From a friendship perspective, this hurts. I think it’s rude, unfair and it’s downright mean. If you’re a friend, you reach out and touch base, right? Not always 50/50 split, after all, there will be times where one is busier than the other and vice versa… but surely, it can go both ways.

This whisper is: Can’t you take a hint? They don’t like you anymore.

And after a while, it’s just too hard. It hurts too much and so the natural consequence is that you stop trying.

 

This happened with my husband and I. We nearly divorced… because you can’t be in a the kind of marriage that I want with only person trying.

I didn’t want to be in a marriage where it was only me pushing for connection and growth and intimacy and conversation! Um. No. Two ways, baby.

It’s about having fair expectations, right? FUCK THAT. I want it ALL. Unapologetically thank you very much. Fun, passion, conversation, intimacy, connection, growth, common goals and again, FUN!

 

With my friendships, you get the good, the bad and the ugly and I think there’s only so many people out there who can perhaps deal with that!!!!! It’s interesting, too, right? Because I don’t tolerate – and don’t want to tolerate – bull shit!!! I want great conversations. I want to be important to the other person. I want to connect, have fun and laugh and again, grow and share life.

Unapologetically. I don’t want half assed. I want all in.

 

In my business, when I was thinking about how this tied in, I can see the shift away from trying to be all things to all people.

I had to become really certain in what I wanted. Unapologetically certain.

 

I would only work with clients I like. I will only work with clients who are fun. I will only work with people who will do the work. I will only work with badasses ???? I will only work with people who can laugh at themselves and move forward!! I will only work with people who are funny humans who also think that I am funny! (I know you know I’m funny!).

 

The thing is this…. The exact very thing that I used to think was wrong with me – having high expectations about how I want to be treated – are the things that have completely made my business turn from a business that was tiring me and bringing me down to running a business that I FREAKING LOVE!!

A business that I get to be my brand of creative in, every single day.

Working with clients who are total rockstars and badasses and who are funny and kind and gracious and gorgeous and inspiring and motivating and seriously next level wonderful.

My friendships are amazing.

My marriage is amazing.

It took me truly accepting who I am.

And I am an introverted extrovert, a creative genius in my way, a badass mother, a kickass skater (well, getting there!), a great friend, a human who is growing every single day.

That I do look into things. I will sometimes over analyse. I do take things personally. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel deeply. I have all of the words and always some to spare.

I dance when we’re together. I will sing mid sentence. I WILL tell bad and great ‘dad jokes’. I laugh a lot. I have high expectations of you. Sorry not sorry. We have an amazing time while learning and carrying on.

I am fiercely passionate about you and what you want. I am fiercely passionate about you reaching your potential.

I am ridiculously passionate about results. Your results. My results. The results your clients get.

I am the worlds worst dancer!!! And I love it – daggy dancing Elaine-styles.. I’m your gal!!! Bad singing? Yep. Count me in. The more groans a joke gets the better. Quick quips… let em rip!!!!

I secretly (but not so secretely) wish I was a total real life legit Rockstar. Not because I want to sing… but because I want to bring joy to people’s life and world. Because I love to entertain.

Every day feels like a performance.. like I am getting to live the life that I imagined as a child. Helping people. Entertaining. Having fun. Being and feeling creative

My belief in you and what you want to achieve is huge. Bigger than yours sometimes, perhaps. I see your potential and I know what you’re capable of.

 

I needed to start to show up so that my people could find me… because even though I needed to find my people, it wasn’t working in the way that I was doing it. I needed to shine my weird ass light of weirdness and funness and insightfulness and creativity and genius… knowing that for some people who come across me that I use far too many words, try far too many things, say too much, care too much. Shine it so bright to attract YOU into my world.

I deeply care about what other people think… but only the people I care about.

I am wholeheartedly a maker of my own fun! I am definitely introverted and definitely extroverted. I hate crowds of people I don’t know unless we’re at a concert.

I love the 80’s music. I think I missed my calling as an 80’s aerobics instructor!!!! Hhhahahaa!!!!

How I do marriage, how I do friendships, how I do parenting… how I do life is exactly how I do business and how I create content:

You get all of me. The good, the bad and the ugly.

 

And if you don’t like that, that’s ok. It stings a little that perhaps that’s not what you want, or what you’re here for… but that’s also ok.

Because I know YOUR people are out there waiting for you to find them, too.

Xo

 

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