*Content warning. Abuse, domestic violence and suicide

Why do you do what you do?

I remember it clear as if it was yesterday… the feeling of complete bewilderment. Of confusion. Of realisation…. of almost an awakening.

I was sitting at a stop light in a busy intersection as I was driving out of the city. I was on my way home from an appointment with a psychologist who was funded through my work at the time. I was all of 22-23 years old.

My home life was a disaster. I’d ended up in a relationship with a man who was abusive…. But in the early 2000’s there was little talk of this in the public arena and I did not know, honestly, I did not know, that I was in an abusive relationship. You see… I wasn’t being beaten or hit (yet). I was, however, isolated from my friends. I was embarrassed to be around my family. I was mortified at the way I was spoken to in front of them and how he would interact with them… so I withdrew.

But I still didn’t consciously know what was happening.

He was an alcoholic and used drugs – although he’d never admit to it. I was gaslighted consistently. Was told I was crazy. Worthless. Fat. Ugly. Skinny. Ugly. A rat. That nobody would want me except him.

And I believed him.

Looking back, I believe he was jealous of my ex…. Not actually jealous of him, per se, but jealous of how I felt about my ex. He was my first love and broke my heart. I adored that guy and I think he just felt like he couldn’t measure up. And honestly, he didn’t even try. He obviously decided somewhere along the way that he would somehow strong arm me into getting over him.

When I was 22 I found out I was pregnant – SURPRISE! Overnight, my philosophy on life changed. Instead of being the party girl going out a few times a week drinking with friends and dancing the night away, I decided I wanted this baby, no matter what.

Finding out I was pregnant was a bit like a red rag to a bull. Still no physical violence, but the control escalated. The drinking and drugs escalated. I guess people tend to react one of three ways with a surprise baby: They step away, they act indifferent and nothing changes, or they step up. There was no stepping up happening here.

After I had my daughter things got worse for me. This was when the physical stuff started. It was always alcohol-fuelled. From sexual assault to increasing verbal abuse to threats to being killed and suiciding.

But still, I didn’t SEE the cycle.

I wanted desperately to help him. To get him help. But he refused. He didn’t think there was anything wrong.

He’d say sorry. I’d believe him. Things would be ok for a while and then it gets bad again.

Round and round and around we’d go.

One day I got a call at work from his sister telling me that he’d been moved home and to not worry. He’d been put on anti-depressants and that all was being taken care of. I didn’t know what to do, so I went to my manager at the time, crying, not knowing where to turn and he gave me the details for a psychologist provided through to work to get in touch with.

I got an emergency appointment and, from memory, was in there the next day or the day after.

I sat in the office, venting, crying, not knowing which way to turn or what to do. I just didn’t know how to process what was going on.

She did a relaxation meditation with me, recorded a tape and suggested that I play it at home when I felt like I was out of control. I laughed on the inside, knowing that there was NO WAY I was going to be playing that tape at home. No. Way.

At the end of the session, she asked me if she could give me a brochure to read before our next session. Of course, I said Yes! She gave it to me, I didn’t even look at it, and went downstairs. Got in the car and started driving out of the city towards home to get my daughter from day care.

The drive was slow. I was in peak hour traffic leaving the city and pulled up 3-light-changes away from a huge, busy intersection. We didn’t have podcasts or playlists or phones you could read shit on back then.

So, I picked up the brochure and started reading it.

It was a trifold brochure. Blueish in colour, with a couple of diagrams in it…..

And the title was: The Cycle of Abuse.

I remember thinking “What the fuck has she given me this for. I don’t need to know about this shit”……

But I opened it, looked at it. Read it. The content in there was MY LIFE.

The money we had was controlled by him. It was drunk away, smoked away, drugged away. We were late on mortgage payments. We were late on our normal bills. I couldn’t possibly work any more over time and have my kid in day care any longer than she already was.

I was isolated from my family.

I wasn’t allowed to have friends over unless they were his friends or neighbours.

I was essentially controlled in every aspect.

Even worse, was that I hadn’t seen it.

I felt ashamed. Embarrassed. My cheeks stung with the sense of shame and realisation of what I was in…. not only for me but my daughter. My baby.

But I felt like I had to do ‘the right thing’ and try to get help. I showed him the brochure when I got home and he just laughed. Said that I didn’t remember things properly and that I was crazy. That he’d never hurt me or my daughter and that there was nothing to worry about. But in the next breath, “If you ever try to leave I’ll kill myself” while grabbing a knife out the drawer and pretend to cut his wrists over the kitchen sink….

The violence escalated and I started calling the police at different times when it happened. But he’d get thrown in jail and apologise and then I’d take him back. Because I thought this time would be different. Every time.

Until one time.

New Year’s Eve and I knew, I just knew, that if he got his hands on me he’d kill me and then my daughter and then himself.

That was the turning point. I hid in a locked toilet in my home, feeling like a coward. Waiting for him to pass out. My daughter asleep in the next room. Praying that he would leave. Fall asleep. Leave us alone.

Eventually, he passed out and I snuck out, called his mother and eventually the police and that was the last time we were in the same house alone.

I am not sharing this with you for your pity. I am not sharing this with you for anything else, other than to highlight to you some of my personal motivation for wanting to help other women in business to be FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT within their businesses.

With a bit of time and a bit of perspective away from this toxic relationship, I swore nobody would take my power away ever again.

I swore that I would not be financially beholden to anyone ever again.

I swore that I would never ever be in this situation ever again.

I swore to advocate for women having financial independence.

I swore that my daughter would never ever ever have to witness her mother in a situation like that where she was powerless.

I didn’t realise I could change my mind. I didn’t realise I had a choice….

I believed that I had to ‘suck it up’… that I had to try to fix him. That I had to grin and bear it, because that’s what you have to do.

You don’t.

For a long time, I was motivated to make a lot of money so that I had a way out if I ever ever needed it again.

For a long time, I was motivated to be 100% self sufficient.

For a long time, I was angry and bitter and resentful at myself. The young woman who didn’t realise. I mean, how stupid can you be???

I have done a lot of work to release all of this past trauma. I’ve been in therapy. I’ve done all of the things, so please, believe me when I tell you that I am GOOD. I am excellent!

I also have very strong boundaries around different things and I am very particular around what I will and won’t tolerate!

I teach my children all the time that they can always make new decisions.

I talk with my girls (19 and 14) about what a good relationship looks like.

What manipulation looks like.

What abuse can look like.

My husband and I show them by example as much as we can what a good relationship looks like. What respect looks like. What functional looks like. Not dysfunction. (I hope!).

We teach our son how to respect other people, especially women. And that starts with his sisters and me! This will be a strong message that he’ll get throughout his next few years of growth. He’s now 12 and he’s growing up so damn quickly.

What has this got to do with anything I put out there?

EVERTHING, actually.

Because without a WHY….

Without having a motivator, it can be hard to keep on trucking.

It can be tough to dig deep.

When we look at people who have ‘made it’, we tend to only see where they are NOW.

We don’t see the adversity, the grit, the overcoming of shit, the experience, the shallows and the depth.

We see what they’re willing to share and that’s it.

I am a flawed human. I know that. But I try my hardest every single day to be a shining light for those women who want MORE.

Who want to be financially independent even if you’re in a great relationship?

To be successful no matter where you live or what your circumstances are.

To show you that you can reinvent yourself at any time.

THAT YOU ARE A SHINING LIGHT AND WE NEED YOU.

I used to think I was bad and wrong for being how I am.

I used to think that perhaps I was crazy.

I used to think that I deserved all of that.

I used to think that I just didn’t try enough.

I used to think that I could have made a different choice, earlier. But I didn’t. And I’ve had to be ok with that.

I used to blame myself for 100% of it. Now, I know that I am 100% responsible for all that I experience and therefore I have 100% responsibility to change it if I want. This doesn’t mean that the other person isn’t also 100% responsible. They are. But I have learned to own my part  and forgive myself and him for the whole dang lot.

What I know is that I finally got the message that I would be MORE than ok to make a new and empowering choice.

Some other wise things I know now is this:

• You are ENOUGH as you are. And if people don’t ‘get you’, then that’s their shit and not yours
• You are AMAZING. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
• You can reinvent yourself a thousand times over if necessary. People will either get on board or leave. You’ll be fine no matter what.
• Nobody, NOBODY, deserves to be treated anything less than the Queen (or King) you are. And if someone is treating you less than this, LEAVE.
• You have so much more potential than you give yourself credit for
• I am not ‘that special’… well, I am… but what I mean is this. I’m not that different to YOU. I’m just a woman, with a few kids now with an epic man by my side… with an amazing family who support everythingI do. Literally everything.
• If I can do this… If I can come back from THAT shitty tiny blip in my life, to build what I have now, to continue to build what’s coming… to do it all from the middle of freaking nowhere and from nothing… you, my friend can do it from anywhere.

Most of all, though, I have to tell you that you’ve got this.

Truly, you do.

I can’t wait to see you shine even more than you already do.

Most of all, know this: you are loved by many and by some whom you’ll never know. And if you ever need someone to talk to, if you’re stuck, if you need to get out of a situation where you’ve somehow found yourself that you know in your heart just isn’t right… reach out. We’ll find the way out together and we’ll pull together a team.

You don’t have to do anything on your own – business or life.

Nic x

PS. I know this is long. But perhaps now, you’ll have an insight into why I do what I do and what just some of my motivations are. I know it’s not always necessary for people to know why you do what you do, but this just felt like it needed to come out today.

If you need help, there are numerous ways you can access help: https://au.reachout.com/articles/domestic-violence-support