My secrets #2
I’m a big fat liar!!!!!! A fake. I feel like I’ve been found out….
I have had an ‘interesting’ year to say the least.
This year, I’ve pretty run my business the way that one should NOT run their business.
I’m a high achiever and I feel like I’ve achieved nothing. Yet, when I take a look at everything I’ve done this year, it’s been very very full. Yet, I feel like I’ve been ‘lazy’ when it comes to my marketing. Don’t get me wrong. Ads went up. Offers were made. Clients delivered to. But I look at the runs on MY board… I don’t feel like I did enough to reach the numbers of people that I know I can help.
I FEEL l I’ve not worked the marketing process nor the system but I know I have. I’ve told others to. I’ve done a lot of things… but not all of them the ‘right’ kinds of things that were going to help me grow my business and therefore help more people. (read: self sabotage. Taking the easy track when it comes to marketing.).
I’ve coached others and I’ve been coached myself.
I have sabotaged myself chronically and I am not proud of it.
Admittedly, I’ve tried a bunch of things and a lots worked. Lots did not work, too.
I’ve been exceptionally embarrassed about the stuff that did not, EVEN THOUGH I LOGICALLY know that I had to do everything in the way that I did to get the learnings that I got.
And it sucks.
Because by all accounts I ‘should’ be successful. I ‘should’ feel happy.
Honestly. Through all the decisions I’ve made in the last year I’ve lost more than $250k.
I haven’t wanted this to come to light, because, again, I was embarrassed. I was worried that I’d be judged. That all my clients would leave me. That I wouldn’t be able to get more clients. That nobody would want to work with me.
Because I didn’t feel good enough. And that is something that I hate feeling and I hate the thought of people thinking the same way.
This year has been really tough. There’s been a lot of things going on in my family that I have had to work through and deal with. Most of it not so great.
My business however, saved my ass more than once. More specifically my clients have saved my ass.
My clients have all done AMAZINGLY wonderful things this year. Which highlighted for me my inability to do amazing things this year.
You see. I’ve been caught out again!
There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re failing and failing fast. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re not enough. Not good enough.
The fact that I’m even writing this makes me want to vomit. The though to posting this makes me want to vomit.
Because I want to be seen as being successful. As having my shit together. But I’m just working through my stuff the same way that everyone else is – I’m just perhaps a bit further along in the journey than some others.
I feel like I’ve burned my business to the ground. And now I need to rebuild it. And I’m tired. But that’s ok
Logically I know that it’s not just me. I just feel like it is and I know my feelings aren’t real. I know there’s no failure, only feedback. I know that if things are working don’t break them. (I did this at the start of the year).
I am DAMN good at sabotaging myself, unfortunately. An expert at it and I hate it! It sucks a big fat butt!!
Today, I don’t really have the answers on how to fix it except for getting back to basics. Work the process. Do what works. And that’s what I do.
My stuff works. My marketing training works. My mentoring works. My clients get results from the work that I do. Every single one of them achieves a breakthrough. Every. Single. One.
Yet. I still beat myself up?!?!?
This is the stuff that I don’t want people to know.
The other part to that is that because of the family stuff that’s been going on, I make myself busier!!!!! I knuckle down and do MORE. To keep more busy. Do more stuff. Help more people…. But I think it’s been the wrong kind of busy… because it doesn’t really work.
So here I am. Admitting to you that I am sure as hell not perfect. That I’ve screwed up more times that I’d care to count.
And I’m still going.
Because THAT is who I am.
I refuse to give up. Because that is who I am.
I will not go down without a fight. I will continue to do what I do.
Show up.
Help.
Keep going….
Because, shit. If I can’t keep doing that how on God’s Green Earth can I expect you to?
NIC X