I think it’s important to reflect on where you’ve been and just far along you are – PARTICULARLY when you’re not ‘feeling it’.
I had this thought scitter across my mind this morning about what I was doing this time about 17 years ago. I think I was getting ready to go camping.
I was pre-children.
Knee deep in debt.
With a man who one would barely be described as a man.
In a horrible physical & emotionally abusive relationship.
I was working in corporate which I LOVED.
I barely saw my family due to the controlling & manipulative nature of the person I was with at the time.
We had ‘no’ money, living hand to mouth every week. Everything that we had was going towards debt paying for things that we didn’t really ‘need’. I remember feeling embarrassed as we went camping and ‘everyone’ else was off buying endless amount of things from the deli and me thinking ‘I have $10 to last me till next week and we still need to eat’!
I stopped opening the mail. I stopped answering the phone from private numbers. Clearly, it spiralled out of control.
I saw an ad on tv at one point for a ‘Debt Manager’. I went to them, laid it all out on the table and we put some plans in place. They agreed to get in contact with all the creditors. All I needed to do was organise to pay everyone the agreed amount.
I remember getting a default on my credit rating. I remember the shame and humiliation of that. I somehow KNEW that I wasn’t ‘THAT PERSON’ yet, somehow, I made choices that landed me in this position. I knew that.
I KNEW at a very deep level that this is not how my life ‘should’ be.
I made some VERY silly choices. Many of which I am not proud of.
I remember one particular day, I was at my Aunty’s house and she had a set of tarot cards (this was around the time that she was studying holistic counselling) and she ‘did my cards’. It showed money (lots of money), happiness and an amazing life. Children. It showed lots of people in my world who weren’t my family.
I KNEW that this was what my ‘destiny’ would be, but my REALITY in that moment was the EXACT OPPOSITE. I was miserable. My daughter who was a newborn was the best thing that could’ve happened. My ‘relationship’ (if you could even call it that) was a disaster in every single way. I felt disconnected from my family. I had ONE friend – who was at work so I couldn’t be held back from talking to her! I was isolated and looking for some kind of reassurance externally that everything would work out ok.
I ended up finally getting out of that relationship, sold my house and cleared all debt and was able to start fresh. Clean slate. My daughter and I had the ability to create a brand new life without all the old baggage and abuse and crap that we’d been living with.
My life is COMPLETELY different these days – thank God!
My parents named me “Nicola”. It means Victorious heart.
I remember Mum & Dad reminding me at one point that I would be ok. That I am VICTORIOUS. That I will always rise to the top.
I chose my parents well!!! And they chose my name well.
There have been many ups and downs over the last 17 years! There have been lots of ‘stuff’ that I’ve needed to get clear of and put to rest.
I take a look at the last 2 years and I was even 2 years ago.
I am a TOTALLY different person.
It’s almost like I’ve come back full circle to the person I always knew I was at some level.
You are not your past.
You are not your future.
You are not the same person you were yesterday – you are not the person TODAY that you will be in a weeks time.
You are not your debt.
You are not your fortune.
You are not your BEHAVIOUR.
SO… my advice is this: REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. Get back in touch with THAT. FORGIVE yourself for the shitty decisions you made and move on so that you can stop repeating the patterns. Clear the shit from your field… because these kinds of experiences are the stuff that blocks you from achieving EVERYTHING that you want.
<3 x
Have a happy Easter and regardless of if you believe in God, Jesus or whatever or not – the point is that you can use this weekend as a space to FORGIVE YOURSELF so that you can move on.
NEW BEGINNINGS, BABY!
Clean slate. Fresh start.
And out of the flames rose the phoenix.