A confession.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

You might ask why? And I’ll tell you.

For a LONG time my whole business identity was tied up in the fact that I had many clients at any given time all over the world. I took a great sense of pride in this.

I had done millions of dollars in sales teaching people how to lever online marketing, how to get themselves out there, how to blog, build funnels, do Facebook ads, create programs, create content, leverage their thoughts and thinking…

Back in the ‘day’ I was part of a mastermind style of group where I was the top performer. I KNOW that there were people (peers, if you like) who looked up to me and what I had achieved and wanted to be like me.

What they didn’t necessarily know, was that the cracks at around that time were starting show in my life. There were stress points in my marriage, to the point that we were on the brink of divorce. .

There was stuff simmering with my kids. With my extended family. With friends.

It was tough.

I needed to make some tough decisions and my mantra back then was, you can’t fly with the eagles with the turkey’s hanging around your ankles. I eliminated a lot from my life and focused on surrounding myself with people, places, things and events that would (should) uplift me.

I retired from that particular mastermind and joined another that I had HOPED would stretch me. I’ve said for a long time, that I thrive if I’m a bit behind and have someone to chase.

Perhaps you know that feeling? That feeling of being competitive and then BAM!!!! Getting to the finish line first.

The ‘trouble’ was, that this didn’t happen.

The advice I had didn’t suit my style in some ways of doing things and even though I tried to follow it to the ‘T’… it just didn’t really work for me.

Instead of being motivated by the other people in the group I felt intimidated for a long time. I’d gone from being a big fish in a little pond, to being a little fish in a larger pond.

I felt like a fraud. Like I didn’t belong. Like these as a whole were not my people. I have and did make some lifelong friends because of that group and I am incredibly grateful for that and to them… it just didn’t quite pan out the way that I had hoped that it would.

My turnover didn’t go down but it didn’t go up. I WAS working less hours per week than previously and I was happy with that overall.

Making the same money in less time!? Kind of good, right?

When I retired from that group and transitioned to a new mentor I decided that I wouldn’t make that same mistake again.

I joined a group that I felt was aligned at the time. And I truly believe that within that group I met some of my soul family. Blessed again!

Whilst I was part of that particular mentoring relationship, my daughter had some life-threatening issues that I had to work through. Now, for the first part of that, my mentor was amazing. To this day, I still say that it was because I was in that program, with those people, with that mentor, that she is still alive. Wholeheartedly.

However, and this is where the fraud piece comes in I guess, I invested a lot of money to get her well, which I’d do again in a heartbeat and sales also slowed down.

So I was spending money on work ‘stuff’, mentoring, etc, team, lead generation and all the things involved with running a business and I also slowed down the number of sales that I was making for a few reasons. Plus investing money in the life saving stuff.

Pretty quickly, if you slow down making sales and your outgoings don’t really change, the buffer wears thin, right?

By the time she was 100% well again, thank goodness, thank god, thank the Universe, Source, the angels, whoever the heck helped me along the way (cause it wasn’t just me and my family, it was certainly a joint effort), the buffer was gone.

And my passion for selling what I used to sell was gone as well.

I was passionate about elements of what I used to sell, but not the whole box and dice. And when I tried to sell what I used to sell, it just didn’t work. Mainly because it just wasn’t what I wanted, in my heart, to be doing and talking about on a daily, weekly, monthly, annually, for-the-rest-of-life basis.

So I stopped.

To boot, I also had a breakdown so to speak and just had to stop. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do much of anything. Truth be told, I considered literally shutting every single piece of my online ‘successful’ business down and renovate houses for fun. Literally.

Meanwhile, I had joined another mentorship program where I DID feel like I belonged. The mentorship was and is great. The people are great. I was challenged of course, in all the right ways and have made some amazing friends and connections who I KNOW would go and beat someone up if they looked at me sideways! Total gangsters!!!!

I was still not back to making the money of yesteryear, though.

I knew my philosophies worked even if you took out the stuff that I hated (which, by the way for those of you playing along at home, is the technical SUPPORT of the funnels where people build them and manage them). I LOVE LOVE LOVE the content creation teaching, helping people with strategy, creating the plan with them and seeing that plan come to life. Just don’t message me about why this thing doesn’t plugin to that plugin or that widget doesn’t integrate with the toggle thingy. I will stab myself in the eye with my Montblanc. Honestly.

But take that part out, (or give me control of building that!!!!) and I’m happy as a pig in shit

So. At the start of 2018 I made the (what felt like) big decision to only do the things that were FUN for me, in the way that I wanted to do them. Like all of the above. Consulting. Coaching. Mentoring. Speaking. Helping. Facilitating. Inspiring. Motivating.

And things WORKED. I was back on track for $500K / year, got a bit excited and was like OK!!! Let’s start looking at this strategically again and scale it. I reckon I can and should be teaching this stuff again!

BAM. No, Nicola. Wrong thing.

I slipped out of my zone of genius and back into ‘strategy’ and being the tech-integration-go-to-person. WTF was I thinking!??!!? I know what I was thinking. It was the means to an end in order to help people get the ROI. I felt like I HAD to be the one to teach them the tech side of things, which is pretty ridiculous looking back. Nothing wrong with saying “here’s the video’s on how to do it and if you need help, you should talk to [INSERT APPROPRIATE NAME IN HERE] and they’ll be able to help you. Rather that, than me doing that.

So that didn’t work. Again, I stopped selling the programs in the way that used to work. I actually pretty much stopped selling anything to anyone unless it was SUPER aligned. Thank god! Hahhaa!

I’ve also joined another program where I feel like the people in there are my ‘people’. Why?? Because in so many ways, they GET me. They’re building businesses in the way that I have in the past and how I will be into the future. They are enough like me for us to ‘get it’ and different enough to not be boring!!! Hahhahaa! It’s CRITICAL that you are around people who GET. IT. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Who get YOU, who appreciate and understand where you’re going, why you’re going that way and who will support you along the journey.

So yes, I’m in two programs right now, because that’s just what feels right with where I need to be and I get different things from each of these groups and mentors.

But where the fraud piece comes in, is that both of these mentors have called me things that I somehow stopped believing. Now, these mentors have each known me online for years. Literally years. They have seen my growth over the years – perhaps not necessarily watched it closely, but they knew who I was. Back from 2012.

They’ve called me a Rockstar. Badass. Leader. That I’m known for crushing it. A master. Bloody brilliant. And what sometimes felt like an embarrassing list of amazing things.

Which is where the interesting fraud piece comes in.

To me, the piece that felt fraudulent was that I didn’t think of myself this way anymore, or that I AM these things, these labels, because I wasn’t ‘back’ to where I had been financially in the past. That I somehow accepted the compliments based on an old version of me that they knew online. Someone who had a million dollar business. Someone who always travelled business class. Someone who didn’t think twice about buying a new multi-thousand dollar bag because there were more where that came from and you know what, it’s just one or two more sales! It’s all good.

I am not the same person I was in 2013. I am not the same person I was in 2017 when I had a ton of money that I invested essentially stolen from me by someone (a mentor) that I trusted implicitly with my most intimate of problems at the time.

Today (the 5th of Feb 2019) my business is not doing a million dollar a year. That’s the honest truth. So there’s no fraud there. I will be back there and surpass that, because that is who I am. I always get what I want in one way or another without anyone else being hurt along the way.

I ONLY sell things that feel exactly 100000% aligned these days.

I am 100% open with people about what they can expect from me so we’re both always on the same page.

So it’s interesting, isn’t it? This feeling like a fraud. Like I don’t measure up to the ‘internet famous’ version of me from a few years ago.

It’s not just about the turnover. It’s not just about the old stuff. It’s about letting go of the trying to prove that I am still that person who is capable of doing $550K in sales in a week and being 100% happy with the aligned woman that I am becoming more and more each and every day.

Interestingly, I am happier today than I have ever been. I am more in love with my husband than ever. I am healthier than ever. My abs are emerging after years of hiding out. I have the best relationship with my children. I am a better coach and mentor and friend than I was back then.

I am no longer that person. I love her. I love who she was. I forgive her – not that anything really needs forgiving.

But I need to cut this woman some slack. That woman who gave her all for her family and her clients. There’s nothing to prove here. She did the best fucking job that she could. And she excelled in every area. She made the best decisions she could with the information she had.

She was brave and fierce and driven and amazing and wise and learned and supportive and wonderful.

But that person is no longer residing here.

And I’m ok with that .

Because THIS woman, the woman who I am TODAY, right NOW is a motherfucking badass.

A rock of wisdom.

A force to be reckoned with.

So clear on WHO she is and WHAT she does and WHO she helps.

She is so incredibly focused on doing ONLY the things that are 10000% aligned with her.

She is so committed to helping the women out there who also want to feel like THIS every single freaking day without fail.

She is so passionate about helping people be SEEN AND HEARD for the amazing people that they are.

She is the start of the ripple and then passes over the baton to the next person, so that they can go and be the influence, the change maker, the cheer squad, the badass motherfucking leader that they were BORN FOR.

I think I like this woman.

No. I love her. And her growth. And her evolution. And her experience. And her knowledge and her wisdom.

But most of all, her grit and determination to do good in the world.