Most of the time I do it alone. I don’t have a big team (I have 2 support people in my business whom I adore). I work from home and they are not on site with me.

 

I’d say I tend to err these days on the introverted side of the equation unless I’m working and I’m ON. If I’m at an event or running an event, I’m great during it but post event and people…. ENOUGH! I tap out and need to extricate myself so I am able to function the next day.

 

So many tell me they’re lonely working at home and I get it to a point. But, other people’s noise would piss me off!!! Hhahahaa! I worked for years in shared offices and would always be the one that was making sure everyone was ok, feeling like they belonged and having fun whilst getting their work done.

 

But, I prefer to be alone.

 

I love travelling alone, too. Like, a lot. But for work not leisure!!! I love all the people… until I hit the wall and then I’m done!! It’s almost like a switch in my core clicks. Done. Enough. No more.

 

I spent a lot of time on my own growing up. I lived in my head. I created clubs (member tally for 190: 1 lifetime member). I read copious amounts of books. I crated a library system on my bookshelf where the books were categorised by genre, author and then size order/title order… depending on which was more aesthetically pleasing. I then made up symbols for each genre, drew them on paper with coloured pens, cut them out and stuck them on the spines of the books – like the categorisation of the dewy (spelling?!!”??) decimal system at the library. I have zero idea if this still happens, but I assume it does! My books come from audible these days 😉

 

I rode my horse more often than not, alone. I rode my bike Alone. I’d train for Cros country around our 2.5 acre house block. Alone.

 

I played the violin (one has to play this alone for fear of everyone’s eyeballs falling out of their heads or ears starting to bleed ;)!!!). I actually played it from year 4 through to year 11… perhaps I wasn’t that bad after all!!!

 

We lived in the middle of nowhere and it was just how it was. I didn’t think it was bad or wrong or shit. For the most part, I loved it. Until I got to 15/16 and wanted to spend more time with friends and my boyfriend.

 

My brother had a go cart that I always wanted to play on with him…. But go carting isn’t really a team game. Plus, I am 5.5 years older than him, so to hang out with the big sister wasn’t really up his alley when he could zoom around the block like a hooligan!!!

 

There were times, however, when I would convince him to come and hang out in the cubby house for a while (where Dad had installed a blackboard) and I’d make him sit still while I ‘taught him stuff’ on the board! Poor kid.

 

On my own I’d make up TV shows. I’d simulate game shows, where I’d play every person on the show. You remember Young Talent Time, Perfect Match (with Dexter!!!) and Peter Russell Clarke?!?!

 

I wrote songs. Sang my heart out. Wrote poetry. Hung out with my horse.

 

And I didn’t think there was anything wrong with any of it.

 

I was talking to Mum and Dad on the weekend about different things and it never occurred to me that there were times where I could have said something about feeling alone. I just kept it in, believing that this is how it was!

 

I remember feeling like quite the loser and feeling like the odd ball catching the school bus to school. I used to get so anxious about it. There was never a seat by the time I got on (I was always the 2^nd or 3^rd last person to get on the bus) and to me, I wanted to die more than I wanted to walk down the aisle of the bus to find no seats, to have to turn around and walk back to the front again. I did it a couple of times…. My face would go bright red. Beetroot red (it still does to this day when I get a bit embarrassed or self conscious) and I felt like everyone was looking at me. I’d hear a giggle or a laugh and thought it was about me. Dead.

 

So instead of putting myself through all of that, I’d sit on the engine box at the front of the bus next to the driver, so I didn’t have to endure the perceived shame of walking through the people to try to find the only seat that was left, hidden in the middle of the bus, usually a window seat that was not even visible by someone who wanted to shrink into the middle of the earth.

 

It never occurred to me to talk to anyone about it. It was wat it was. I just dealt with it, thinking it was normal.

 

I think its interesting how these days we have a way of being able to talk more about this, with the awareness of anxiety. I also think that there are times when we all have to learn to adjust and adapt and be okay with making the best of whatever situation is being presented.

 

In regards to school, I always felt different. Like an odd ball. I played in the school band. I was in the choir. I was in the drama productions. I was good at sport until it became not really cool to enjoy sport! I was average-smart academically and it came easy. And I always felt like I didn’t really, well, fit. I wonder if most people felt like that through their childhood.

 

I know for me, the older I have got, the more I have found that I have become more and more like what I was a child…. Enjoying my own company, making up shit (These days, I just make sure that the stuff I make up is stuff that I can sell!!!! 😉 And, of course, it’s the most amazing KICKASS club you could ever be a part of – my programs!!! Hahhahaa!)

 

What’s funny, is that on the flip side of all of this, I love entertaining. I love being the centre of attention when it’s on my terms. I love making people smile and laugh. I loved joking around, having fun and seeing people light up.

 

The language I have around all of this now, is that I am an ambivert.

 

I love being out there. I love people. But I am also fiercely protective of my energy and I love being alone. I love solitude. I love the bustle as well.

 

I get super socially awkward. I will often find myself in groups and conversations not knowing what to say…. If you’re ever in a group with me and you witness my face going bright freaking fire engine red… yep. There I am. The mortified 13 year old walking through the middle of the bus feeling like a loser.

 

When it’s MY rooms, MY events, on my turf… bring that shit on, babes. I’ve got this. We’re on home ground and I freaking own it.

 

We’re all such a mass of contradictions and I wonder… if you were to reflect on how you were as a child… about how you were… BEFORE you decided that you had to be more like this, more like that… before you decided that you weren’t good enough, out there enough, loud enough, confident enough, pretty enough…

 

You were probably pretty happy being who you were.

 

For me, it’s the unleashed, singing on the fence post, tv star, famous singers, maker of the most amazing exclusive clubs I can think up – worried about nobody or anything… tat’s how I want to be.

 

Limitless.

 

Creative.

 

Adventurous.

 

Fearless.

 

How I used to be, literally dancing and singing like nobody was watching… cause back then, they weren’t.

 

That was my apprenticeship! With God, the crops and my horse as my audience.

 

Feel the calling.

 

Remember your calling.

 

Remember who you are.

 

Cause you are fucking awesome.

 

And honey, the world is ready for your brand of awesome.